Tag Archives: Magellan

The Battle of the Captains

Throughout history there have been many famous captains, but not many whom I would actually trust to sail my ship.  For starters, consider Captain Crunch, a.k.a. Cap’n Crunch, the mascot of the popular cereal.  When someone takes a job as a cereal mascot, I have to be suspicious of his background.  The Cap’n seems like a decent man, but I question his qualifications for being an actual captain, other than the fact that he found a hat with a C on it at the Salvation Army.

Cap’n Crunch does look like a captain, but he’s a man with eyebrows independent from the rest of his body.  A man who helps people solve their problems by offering them a cereal which will put them into a sugar-induced coma.  A few years ago, his full name was revealed as Horatio Magellan Crunch.  Apparently his publicist was trying to give him some credibility by naming him after two famous sailors.  George Crunch just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Cap’n Crunch was the most popular children’s cereal until it was dethroned by Fruity Pebbles.  The once formidable captain was defeated by Pebbles and Bamm Bamm, children in diapers, so I will look elsewhere for my skipper.

How about The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island? He ran their ship aground and couldn’t help them get off the island in three years.  Moving on, then…

Avast me hearties, Captain Hook is the villainous pirate captain of the Jolly Roger.  I’m sorry, but his ship’s name is too close to the Jolly Rancher, a popular brand of candy.  I don’t want to be at sea and thinking about the watermelon hard candy that gives me canker sores.

Being a pirate captain might be cool if it wasn’t in Neverland, a fictional world of children.  Also, his archenemy is Peter Pan, a boy who refuses to grow up.  It’s kind of embarrassing when your nemesis hangs out with someone named Tinkerbell and could be portrayed by Sandy Duncan.

Peter Pan cut off Hook’s hand and fed it to a crocodile.  Understandably, Hook then developed a fear of crocodiles and other reptiles.  But is this type of person you want as captain of your ship?

Captain America is cool and has an impressive physique, but he has no superhuman powers.  How can you be a superhero without super powers? He is supposedly a perfect specimen of human conditioning, but he wears a spandex body suit, which is kind of like a full length Speedo. His weapon is a shield, which wouldn’t even protect me from my toddler.  I like Captain America because of what he represents, but he wouldn’t be my captain of choice.  Mostly because he doesn’t even have a ship.  Or his captain’s license, for that matter.

The winner is Captain Merrill Stubing of The Love Boat.  Never losing his electric smile, he got people where they needed to go and solved major problems in less than an hour.  He put up with Gopher, the Yeoman Purser, not to mention several guest appearances by Charo.  Besides, who else can wear knee-high white socks and look so suave and debonair? 

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