I am not usually one to stir up a conspiracy theory, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Halloween was invented by dentists. They try to play up their softer image by promoting that 9 out of 10 of them “recommend Trident,” but why would they really do that? If people stop getting cavities, then the dentist industry plummets. The one dentist who didn’t recommend Trident was just being honest about the fact that he enjoys his BMW convertible and vacation home in Miami. Where is he now, anyway? Probably mysteriously “relocated” to an undisclosed location, next door to the inventor of the Chicken Dance.
When you strip Halloween down, you see it for what it really is: a cavity extravaganza. Kids are in it for the candy, and the bigger the better. God help you if you try to pass out raisins, unless you actually enjoy being tarred and feathered and having your effigy burned in the town square. I love those websites that recommend alternatives for passing out candy on Halloween. Before you consider handing out cheap, plastic toys instead of M&M’s, you might want to board up your house and seek out the Witness Protection Program. On the contrary, people who leave an entire bowl of candy on their porch are nominated for President.
As a sign of the times, the last time I opened the door on Halloween, a bunch of scowling tweens stood on my porch sans costume and stuck out their bags without a word. No “Trick or Treat” and no “thank you.” I suppose we will eventually have to screen trick-or-treaters for weapons. Nothing says “holiday” like decorating your porch with a metal detector.
Halloween causes a lot of unnecessary stress for parents, so as usual, I am providing my ideas for some improvements:
Ideas for improving Halloween (for adults):
- Instead of candy, just pour cups of sugar into trick-or-treaters’ bags.
- Pass out toothbrushes and brochures on tooth decay.
- Just have parents give their children a vat of candy on Halloween night. Wouldn’t that save a lot of time and effort for everyone?
- Skip the costumes. Their only purpose is to make begging for candy seem “cute.”
- We already have e-mail, e-cards, and e-pets. Why not e-candy?
- Have children show up at your door and volunteer to do chores around your house. Costumes optional.
- Make Halloween costumes and candy tax-deductible.
- Have only dentists pass out the candy. And a coupon for a cleaning.