I have started to question the modern practice of laundry. Back in olden days, people would wear the same smelly and dirty clothes until one day the outfit would peel itself off and walk down to the local river. At first the perplexed folks would wrap themselves in burlap sacks and hold town meetings to crack the mysterious code of what their clothes were trying to communicate.
Then some guy named JimBob, a Crime Scene Investigator, figured it out. They followed him down to the river, where he summarized his findings.
JIMBOB: You see, you have to wash the clothes to get them clean.
The crowd gasped as he grabbed a rock and proceeded to wash their clothes in the river. Revolutionary.
The pattern hasn’t changed much. Flash forward hundreds of years, and people were still trying to figure out how to use the machines at the Laundromat. Apparently the people who designed Laundromat washing machines wanted patrons to feel as though they were playing the slot machines. I think the concept is that for a roll of quarters, you might just get lucky and win back all your clothes at the end of the game. In their attempt to Vegas-ize the experience, they stopped short of booking headlining acts while you’re waiting for your clothes to clean and dry. After spending so much money and having to wait for so long, you deserve to be entertained by Donny and Marie, or at least Penn and Teller. And some appetizers might be nice, too.
Somehow we have evolved from using a rock in the river into needing stain removers, laundry detergents, fabric softeners, dryer sheets, and machines with more cycles than the life of a monarch butterfly.
The washing machine was designed with personalities in mind. Which cycle will you choose?
Hell’s Angel…Heavy Duty
People generally fall into one of two categories when it comes to doing laundry. One type separates clothes by color and blend, carefully considering water temperature and cycle speed for optimum performance. The other type dumps everything into the machine and deals with the outcome, usually throwing the inevitable pink tie-dye into the trash.
Using a dryer is a luxury. Whatever happened to hanging clothes out on the line? The Snuggle Fabric Softener bear, that’s what happened. Women were perfectly content taking their crunchy sheets and towels off the line and picking out the bugs and grass until this seemingly innocuous stuffed animal giggled his way onto a stack of unbelievably soft and fluffy laundry. Was there some sort of hypnosis going on there? Look closely and you will catch an evil glint in his eyes.
The overblown laundry craze has gotten out of control, and someone needs to invent disposable clothes. We already have disposable razors, cameras, and diapers, so how hard could it be? Not the scratchy paper gowns from the doctor’s office, but maybe a softer material that will self-destruct after forty-eight hours. The money saved from not doing laundry would more than make up for the cost. Either that or we need to take JimBob’s advice and go back to the river with our rocks.