Category Archives: Music

The Best Musicals You’ll Never See

I often wonder about the moment when someone is inspired with a concept for a Broadway musical.  It probably sounds so good in their head until they have to share it out loud and convince other people.  Okay, how ’bout this?  …An entire show where everyone is dressed up like lemurs!…  What do you mean you don’t “get it”?  They sing and dance!  C’mon, man!…You’d prefer CATS?!  Oh, that’s brilliant.

Somehow even the ridiculous ideas end up being successful shows.  Tough New York gangs spontaneously burst into song and dance numbers.  A creepy guy with a pie crust on his face stalks an opera singer. 

Thankfully, people keep coming up with ideas.  But there are some that will never make it to Broadway.   And many more that I can guarantee you will never see…

REAL MUSICAL FAR OFF-OFF BROADWAY YOU’LL NEVER SEE…
1776 1976 1776 B.C.
42nd Street Elm Street Back Alley
A Chorus Line A Chorus Zig Zag Whiny, Unemployed Dancers
Annie Rich Bald Guy Annie’s 2nd Cousin Twice Removed
Anything Goes Nothing Stays Nobody Really Gives A Rat’s Behind
Beauty And The Beast Babe And The Ugly Guy Princess And The Walking Fur Ball
Bye, Bye Birdie See Ya, Shuttlecock Don’t Let the Door Hit You On The Way Out, Birdie
Camelot King Arthur! Starring Dudley Moore Knights Of The Cheap Card Table
Carousel Tea Cup Ride Space Mountain
Cats Dogs Lemurs
Chicago Springfield Jailhouse Rock
Damn Yankees Damn Red Sox Damn Mighty Ducks
Fiddler On The Roof Bagpiper In The Basement Accordion Player In The Attic
Footloose Foot Cramp Athlete’s Foot
Grease Grease Stain Lard
Guys And Dolls Guys And Stuffed Animals Guys Who Play With Dolls
Hairspray Hair Gel Hairball
Hello Dolly! Goodbye Dolly! Dolly Who?
High School Musical Junior High School Musical Elementary School Band Practice
How To Succeed In Business w/o Really Trying How To Step On People On Your Way Up the Corporate Ladder How to Run Your Business Into The Ground
Into The Woods Into the Bushes Lyme Disease:  The Musical
Jekyll & Hyde Hyde & Jekyll Jekyll & The People in His Head
Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Joseph and the Leather Jacket   Joseph and the Plain White T-Shirt
Kiss Me, Kate Text Me, Kate Let’s Just Be Friends, Kate
Les Miserables Really Unhappy French People Kleenex Convention
Miss Saigon Miss Ho Chi Minh Miss Viet Cong
No, No Nanette Maybe, Nanette  What Part of No Don’t You Understand, Nanette?
Oklahoma! New Jersey! Albania!
Oliver Pickpocket That Kid With The Porridge
Once Upon A Mattress Once Upon a Futon Once Upon a Sleeper Sofa
Peter Pan Skippy Extra Crunchy Jif
Rent Rent Control Lease To Own
Shenandoah Hudson Euphrates
Singing In The Rain Singing in the Drizzle Singing in the Tsunami
South Pacific North Pacific South Arctic
The Music Man The Accountant The Taxidermist
The Phantom Of The Opera The Phantom of the Disco The Ghost of the Roller Rink
The Sound of Music The Sound of Woodpeckers The Sound of Snoring
The Wiz The Idiot Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer
The Wizard of Oz The Wizard of 7-Eleven Dude Behind the Curtain
West Side Story Upper East Side Story Northwest Passage Story
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The Un-Grammy Awards: Elton John

Remember when Elton John seemed shocking?  Compared to today’s musicians, his glasses and clothes seem so normal now. He has sold millions of albums and won numerous awards, all richly deserved.  His songs have withstood the test of time. But have we truly recognized the greatness of his lyrics? 

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the Un-Grammy Awards for Elton John:

From “Your Song”

BEST DESCRIPTION OF FOOD POISONING

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside

BEST WEIGHT WATCHERS PROMO

I’m not one of those who can easily hide

BEST MEANINGLESS PROMISE

I don’t have much money but boy if I did

I’d buy a big house where we both could live 

BEST IDENTITY CRISIS

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no

BEST REASON TO BUY GIFT CARDS

I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one’s for you

TOP REJECTED VERSE BY HALLMARK

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do

You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

 

From “Daniel”

BEST PROMO FOR CATARACT SURGERY

God it looks like Daniel; must be the clouds in my eyes 

BEST STATEMENT OF THE OBVIOUS

Daniel my brother, you are older than me

BEST MOMENT OF BITTERNESS

They say Spain is pretty though I’ve never been

Well Daniel says it’s the best place that he’s ever seen

Oh and he should know, he’s been there enough

 

From “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”

BEST TIME TO CALL DR. PHIL

What have I got to do to make you love me

What have I got to do to make you care

BEST TIME TO CALL 9-1-1

What do I do when lightning strikes me

And I wake to find that you’re not there 

BEST DESCRIPTION OF THE GOVERNMENT

It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad, sad situation

And it’s getting more and more absurd.

 

From “Rocket Man”

BEST THEME FOR THE DMV LINE

And I think, it’s gonna be a long, long time

It’s gonna be a long, long time

I think, it’s gonna be a long, long time

It’s gonna be a long, long time, oh 

From “I’m Still Standing”

RUNNER-UP BEST THEME FOR THE DMV LINE

I’m still standing (yeah yeah yeah);

I’m still standing (yeah yeah yeah)

 

From “Tiny Dancer”

BEST VAGUE JOB DESCRIPTION

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you’ll marry a music man

 

From “Crocodile Rock”

BEST BLATANT GRAMMATICAL ERROR

I remember when rock was young

Me and Suzie had so much fun

 

From “Bennie and the Jets”

BEST STUTTER

B-B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets

MOST MISUNDERSTOOD LYRICS

She’s got electric boots a mohair suit

Click here to watch Heidi Keigel and James Madsen singing their version.

How to Do the Chicken Dance Like Tom Cruise

Do you happen to know the name and address of the inventor of the Chicken Dance? Of course not.  He has been under protective custody for years.  Hordes of embarrassed wedding-goers decided to take matters into their own hands.  At first they considered tar and chicken feathers, but that was too ironic. His punishment choices were: go to prison and have the Chicken Dance song continuously streamed into his cell, or be exiled to a remote island.  Now he lives between Hokey Pokey guy and the YMCA guy in an undisclosed location. 

It happens every time you go to a wedding. There you are at your table, perfectly content eating cardboard wedding cake and pretending to listen to a stranger’s History of Bunions, and suddenly you are forced to join in the most ridiculous dance of all time. Grown men and women are making chicken wings with their arms, sticking their “tail feathers” into the air, and wiggling their bottoms, all while trying to look dignified and praying they don’t end up in a viral hit on YouTube.

I am not saying that the Chicken Dance isn’t fun. And you shouldn’t get smashed to enjoy it. I believe you do not need alcohol to have fun.  As Dickinson said, “Inebriate of air am I, and debauchee of dew.”  (That’s Emily Dickinson, not to be confused with Angie Dickinson, the crime solving poet of Police Woman.)  It’s just that it is next to impossible to do that particular dance and not look like a complete dork.  Close your eyes and picture the coolest person you know.  Okay, now someone besides yourself. Tom Cruise maybe?  Now picture him doing the Chicken Dance.  Doesn’t work, does it?  Still cooler than any of us, but who really wants to be a king in the Land of Dorks?

Any song that begins with the oom-pah-pah of an accordian is doomed before it even starts.  Plus, did we have to pick the most ungraceful animal to imitate?

The dance was originally called the Bird Dance and then the Duck Dance, but these names were never taken seriously.  That means that at some marketing meeting, a group of humans unanimously decided that imitating a chicken was a sagacious idea. The only worse choice would be the Headless Chicken Dance.  The chicken doesn’t even want to see himself dance.  He can barely stand the sight of the other chickens, which is why he crossed the road in the first place. 

So how do you keep from looking like a fool?

A.  Fake a hamstring pull before you even reach the chorus.  No one ever thinks to stretch before these dances, so you may be able to pull this off.

B.  Pretend you have a bunion and go find that boring guy at your table.

C.  Pull out your cell phone and pretend you have an emergency call that you can’t possibly ignore. 

D.  A secret weapon reserved for the truly audacious.  It’s called The Domino Effect.  I think you know where I’m going with this…

During the bridge, everyone sticks their arms straight out and flies around in a circle. (Chickens don’t even fly. Actually they can fly for short distances, but that’s only to flee perceived danger.  Like having to do the Chicken Dance.)  Stop dead in your tracks and knock the line down.  By the time everyone is back in place, the song is over. It may seem too risky, but there is only one other option…

E.  Wear a Tom Cruise costume.  Because if you are forced to act like a dork, at least look good doing it.