How To Pretend To Pick The Perfect Melon

You survived the parking lot trauma, and now you have entered far more dangerous waters: the inside of the supermarket.  Once you have come this far, there is no turning back.  Because then you would be trying to exit out the entrance door, and you could get seriously injured.

Now is probably a good time to question your fashion choices of the morning.  You must understand how this works.  If you are wearing a flattering new outfit and you just had your hair professionally coiffed,  you will not see anyone you know.  Not even the mailman.  If you just rolled out of bed and you look completely disheveled, wearing clothes you normally wouldn’t be caught dead in, you will bump into every person you haven’t seen in the past ten years.  Your choice. 

Keep in mind that supermarkets highlight your appearance with fluorescent lighting, which seems cruel since they are already taking your hard-earned money.   If they are going to bankrupt you, they could at least make you look good during the process. Maybe we should start a campaign for candlelit shopping.  We would be surrounded by flattering ambient lighting, and the stores would profit because thanks to the dim lighting, we would barely notice any flaws in the produce.  It would be a winning situation for everyone involved.  

Once you enter the supermarket, you will need your shopping list.  If you can’t find it, it’s back at your house.  Don’t worry, it will be exactly where you left it, so you will be sure to confirm all of the things you forgot at the store as soon as you arrive home.  If you do manage to bring the list, the challenge will be to actually stick to only the items written on it.  Yeah, right. The real purpose of the shopping list is to confirm what you were really supposed to buy. 

Try not to be intimidated by the pros.  You know, the professional female shoppers who move with such precision and skill that everyone else scuttles like crabs out of their way and secretly watches in awe.  These women do not even use lists.  They laugh at lists as they zoom past you in the produce section.  They don’t even break into a sweat while trying to find the perfect melon.

By the way, if you have always wondered how to find the perfect melon, I will let you in on a little secret.  Nobody really knows.  Sure, people will give you tips here and there, but it’s all an act.  It’s all about the face.  If you watch people who seem to know what they’re doing, they’re just making a face to convince you. 

You must first pick a melon that looks halfway decent.  Try to avoid the rotten ones with flies pouring out of the holes.  Then you turn the melon every which way, gently squeezing it as you set your face like stone.  I’m not sure why, but apparently melon selection is a very serious business with no smiling allowed whatsoever.

The following faces are acceptable for feigning melon expertise:

  1. Passing a kidney stone.
  2. Understanding quantum physics.
  3. Finding the square root of a six digit number.
  4. Surviving an IRS audit. 

Tune in next week to learn, among other things, how to survive the deli…

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