Do you go to the supermarket for a gallon of milk and come out with enough food to sustain a third world country? Does your grocery bill resemble the sticker price of a small used car? If you fear that your shopping skills are less than par, don’t worry. When it comes to grocery shopping, no one really knows what they are doing anyway.
It begins in the parking lot, which always seems to be full, even when two people are inside the store and they both rode their bikes. Where are all of those cars coming from? Maybe the lots are staged to make it look like the store is doing better business. Or maybe a grocery store parking lot is the perfect spot for criminals to ditch stolen cars. Whatever you do, do not look in the trunks of those cars. (Note to self: Stop reading crime novels.)
Most shoppers waste precious time trying to strategically pick the best possible parking space. Why do we do this when we know darn well we are just going to forget where we parked anyway? Just park far away and wear good walking shoes, because no matter what, you’re going to be getting some exercise as you wander aimlessly about, searching for your car and your memory cells. Inevitably, someone will start slowly following you to take your parking space. This car-shark smells blood in the water, and you must shake him off your trail without panicking. Three options here:
1. Force a stiff smile and try to look cool as you smack your head and pretend to suddenly remember something you forgot to buy. Bolt back towards the store.
2. Cut a zigzag path in between cars where the shark can’t follow. He’ll get so annoyed that he’ll give up and hunt someone else.
3. Ask the shark if he remembers where you parked, because you sure as heck don’t; then brazenly ask him for a ride to your car.
Once you survive the parking lot sharks and make it to shore, it’s time to pick out a grocery cart. The biggest concern here used to be the wobbly wheel. That problem is so 1980s. Today’s shopper must think about the fact that the handle of a grocery cart contains more germs than a public school desk. Thankfully, most stores now supply hand sanitizer…twenty feet from where you have to pick up your cart. At all costs, you must avoid touching the Petri dish handle with your hands. Just use your elbows to steer over to the sanitizer, where you can then confirm that it is indeed empty. That’s okay, here is a little SAT problem for you;
hand sanitizer : grocery cart handle =
A. Band-Aid : severed artery
B. muzzle : T-Rex
C. handcuffs : Houdini
D. All of the above.
If you chose D, you’re getting better already. If you would rather play Jeopardy!, your correct answer would be What are things that are pointless?
If there is no way to clean the cart, you will have to either pull your sleeves over your hands and burn your shirt when you get home, or continue to steer with your elbows.
Tune in next week to learn, among other things, how to pick the perfect melon…