AP – Idaho. An ugly scene unfolded yesterday as Mr. Potato Head broke down on the set of his new movie, Mashed. “I don’t know what happened, ” an eyewitness reported. “One minute he was rehearsing his lines with Daniel Day Lewis; next thing you know, he was weeping like a baby in his trailer.”
“Spud’s had a rough year,” explained Lewis. “He just turned 60. The stress of being a has-been is getting to him.”
And a stressful year it has been. Mr. Head recently got voted off Dancing with the Stars after an embarrassing attempt at, of all dances, The Mashed Potato.
“I feel bad for the dumpy little guy,” said Dancing star, Maksim “Maks” Chmerkovsky. “He was trying to revive his career. But he doesn’t have any legs. And those spindly arms kept getting twisted around in a creepy way.”
DWTS host Tom Bergeron agreed. “Nice guy, but America just thought he was boring.”
“Unlike me,” Maks added, flexing his pecs.
When pressed for more information, Daniel Day Lewis finally shed more light on yesterday’s breakdown. “It was my brogue. It reminded him of Ireland and the potato famine. He’s a little bitter about that.”
Last year Mr. Potato Head made headlines when he ruined Larry King’s final interview by confessing that he had been “living a lie.” According to sources at the show, Mr. King wanted to leave on a positive note, and he was very disappointed by Mr. Head’s depressing story.
A Larry King staffer explained, “Mr. Head just kept droning on about how everybody thinks that millions left Ireland during the famine because they were missing potatoes, when in fact they came to America because they heard about a new side dish called “stuffing.” Stove Top was supposedly organizing an #unpotatofest, and that’s why the massive exodus occurred.”
This isn’t the first time Mr. Potato Head has called out Stove Top in his conspiracy theory. In January, Oprah invited Mr. Head and a spokesperson from Stove Top to air their differences on her show with Dr. Phil’s help.
Things got ugly from the beginning, when Mr. Head was asked to sit on Oprah’s couch. “A couch? Is this some sort of joke? I’m supposed to sit on there and look like some sort of couch potato or something?”
When Dr. Phil tried to address bitterness issues, Mr. Head got nasty.
“You’re darn right I’m bitter. You think I enjoy wearing this stupid disguise? Everyone knows that behind my mustache and glasses, I’m just a boring, dumb potato.”
It didn’t help when Mr. Stove Top Rep started listing the virtues of choosing stuffing over potatoes. “Who wants to have to scrub potatoes and wait an hour for them to cook? Stove Top stuffing is tastier and only takes two minutes to prepare in the microwave. Plus, the canister is re-sealable, so you can take as little or as much as you need.”
“I eat it right out of the canister,” added Dr. Phil.
Apparently that was too much for Mr. Potato Head to endure. He challenged Mr. Stove Top to a duel, who responded with, “See you later, Tater.”
“Why don’t you look me in the eye spot when you talk to me?” Mr. Head fumed, to which Mr. Stove Top replied, “Which one?”
To add to the humiliation, Oprah’s audience chanted, “Stove TOP! Stove TOP!” after which TV host Rachel Ray came on the set to demonstrate Chicken with Stove Top Stuffing and Balsamic Cream Gravy.
Yesterday’s breakdown on the movie set was clearly a long time in the making. Mr. Potato Head has reportedly admitted himself into the Nightshade Vegetable Institute for evaluation. “I’m afraid he has a long road ahead of him,” claimed the admitting nurse. “We’re serving Stove Top for dinner tonight.”