Spring has arrived, and not to be a curmudgeon or anything, but I hate ants with a passion. I challenge you to name one good thing about them. Buzz! Thank you for playing, but you lose.
Consider some of the words that begin with “ant.” ANTagonize. ANTisocial. ANTichrist. I refuse to even watch the movie Antz. (Also because I am morally against misspelling words to be cute.) How about music by Adam Ant? Nope. The game Ants in the Pants? Won’t touch it. Don’t want ’em in my house, let alone my pants.
This whole thing about how ants go “marching one by one, hoorah! hoorah!” is a bunch of malarkey. I’m not sure what “malarkey” is technically, but it has something to do with ants. Let’s go to Answers.com, because they apparently have the answers to everything.
Q: What is malarkey?
A: Something to do with ants. Duh.
The song tells us that the ants “all go marching down into the ground to get out of the rain.” To get out of the rain? They live outside, for crying out loud. In dirt. They pounce on feces like it’s an Easter ham, and now you’re telling me they’re picky about their habitat?
Even if they did have to get out of the rain, they don’t go into the ground. I’d be doing a little jig if they did, but NO, they come into my house. Into my butter dish. And do you know what they do? They start a marketing campaign to announce my lack of housekeeping skills.
First, they carry the crumbs throughout the house in a little parade, each crumb on its own obnoxious float. Then as I kill them off, the survivors carry their friends’ corpses to the parade, as though transporting Cleopatra on her litter.
I don’t really want a pet, but I might have to get one that eats ants. Back to Answers.com.
Q: What is the animal that is famous for eating ants?
A: Let me think a minute. Oh, I don’t know…ANTEATER?!!!
Slight problem. I’m also afraid of anteaters and aardvarks, thanks to that cartoon The Ant and the Aardvark, a featured part of The Pink Panther show. The cartoon was based on the repeated attempts of a blue aardvark to catch and eat a red ant named Charlie. Naming the ant didn’t get me to sympathize with him. But a creepy animal with a Hoover-like trunk with wind tunnel sucking ability freaked me out.
And now my children collect ants for pets. As soon as the ants crawl under our door, the kids scoop them up in boxes and keep them for observation. Then they start asking things that only young children are capable of imagining.
There is only one place that could answer their questions, and you know where that is.
Q: How do ants pee and poop?
A: I quit.
I am now setting these ants free when my kids aren’t looking. Not for freedom, oh no. I am hardly the Harriet Tubman of Antville. So unless you can do something to stop me, millions of ants will be a part of my own parade this summer. Splat! Ping!