I can’t wait for the invention of the time machine like the one they use during football games. It’s amazing how the final two minutes of a game can take two hours. With that kind of stretching of the clock, we should be able to drastically slow down the aging process.
Life can be altered by the NFL Time Machine. If you have dinner timed for halftime, your turkey can come out like string cheese. Also, men do not pay attention to their surroundings when a football game is on. You could tell them that terrorists just invaded the house, and they would keep focused on the game with a monosyllabic grunt which means, “That’s fine, as long as they don’t stand in front of the TV while the ball is in play.”
In fact, many significant events in history may have been influenced by men keeping one eye on the game…
Adam and Eve: Adam wasn’t really paying attention when Eve handed him the forbidden fruit, because he was watching the football game. Of course he accepted when she offered a snack. He was expecting nachos, however, and was in for a rude awakening when he tasted fruit and was suddenly booted out of Paradise.
Columbus: The original journey of the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria took much longer than expected. Why do you think it took so long to find the New World? The game they were watching went into overtime! The so-called mutiny by the crew was really an argument over fantasy football teams.
The First Thanksgiving: This holiday is in the fall because the Pilgrims wanted to watch the Thanksgiving football game. Squanto was actually a talented quarterback who helped the Pilgrims survive the first winter so they could learn how to suffer through watching football games in bone-chilling temperatures. The first Thanksgiving meal was also a precursor to tailgating before a football game.
Paul Revere’s Ride: During Paul’s midnight ride, he was really yelling “The red coats are playing! The red coats are playing!” Apparently his favorite team wore red uniforms. The two lanterns in the Old North Church were really a secret signal for the upcoming Super Bowl. Even today, muskets are fired whenever the New England Patriots score a touchdown. A tradition passed down from “the shot heard round the world” at the football game in Lexington Square.
Lincoln’s assassination: Nobody wanted to admit it, but they were really watching a football game, not a play. That’s why Lincoln was too riveted with the action to notice when Booth snuck up behind him. This is where the term “Quarterback Sneak” originated. Booth got away when he jumped down from the bleachers and yelled, “Too many men on the field!” A time-out was called, and Booth escaped while officials reviewed the tape.
The Titanic: What do you think the captain was watching when he slammed into the iceberg? Uh huh; that’s right. The game.
And the list goes on and on. Our history books have conveniently altered the events of history that have shaped this world. I’m sure if we dig deep enough, we will find that these books were actually published by football commissioners.